Lisa's Divorce Journal

 It's ok to be sad For the last two nights, I had dreams about Gene. It's not fair that my subconscious misses his body. I don't know if it's my brain telling me to slow down and give my heart time to heal. We may have lived mostly separate lives for the last three years while he was working out of the country but my heart was still all in this marriage.  I didn't imagine it was going to hurt this much. Or maybe it's just the idea of the loss that hurts. Any time I talk to him I am reminded of why not being with him is such a good idea. I reckon I just need a good cry. It's a good way to cleanse yourself of bottled-up emotions.  I started talking to two different men this week from FB dating. One had to be blocked after just one conversation. He wanted to show me his man thong, that he was wearing. The other, well I think he is going to want to move things along a lot faster than I am ready for. I think I will take down my profile and give myself time to hea...

Moving to Utah The move to Utah was interesting. My soon-to-be ex-husband, my trans adult son, and myself, all in a Uhaul for two days. Oh, and I forgot the cat. The first day was good. We made it all the way from Mesa AZ to Kanab Utah with no one getting mad. I know, I was shocked too. The second day we made it almost to Salt Lake City before my soon-to-be ex-husband (Gene) and Frank (my son) got into a political argument. I should have known there would be some nonsense along the way with those two.  We were all tired, hot, and hungry by the time we made it to the storage unit. There was even more fighting there. The first night we were all able to stay in one hotel room. The second night I had to get two rooms. Gene and I in one room, Frank and the cat in the other. Do you believe that fool thought we might have sex? What a loaf? He's sleeping with his high school sweetheart, our marriage is ending and he thinks for one second I would let him touch me? By the way, I am certainly...

Feeling vulnerable and angry I wasn't prepared for having such a bad day. There are only 4 more days until I move to Utah and I have been on the downside of this roller coaster of emotions.  I am lucky enough to have family members that I can talk to and believe me without them there is no way I could make it through this. I have been crying off and on all day. I told my 22-year-old that this is very hard for me because I feel vulnerable. I don't let anyone see my vulnerable side. I see it as weakness and if there is anything I am not, it's weak.  I won't get into it here, but I survived childhood abuse and came out the other side a sound person. Many people have been through abuse and some are much worse than I had to deal with. I think knowing that helped me a lot. Just knowing it could have been worse.   It is little things that are said through the day that build up and when I let a brick slip in the wall I have built around me; the tears come. Crying just makes ...

Step one, the hardest step It was 19 days ago when my husband and I decided we were going to divorce. I never thought in a million years that we would get to a point that we would admit to ourselves and each other that we were no longer in love. So many things ran through my mind. See, I had been a homemaker and mother for much of our marriage. If I were to tell anyone that knew us a year ago that we were splitting up, they would have checked the calendar to see if it was April Fool's Day. It's not that we had such an amazing marriage, it was because we had become such talented actors that we even had ourselves fooled. I cried, not for my failed marriage, but for my wasted time. So much time that I will never get back. We hadn't been in love for a long time and I could have done so much with that wasted time. There were scary truths that had to be faced. We didn't have to worry about the custody of children. Our children are grown and living their own lives. We didn...

 Deciding to end our marriage My husband, Gene, and I decided 16 days ago to end our nearly 29-year marriage. There have been a few sad days, but mostly I feel agitated. I have been a homemaker for a long time and when he said I will always care for you but I haven't been in love with you for a long time..... I feel like I've been wasting my time. I could have started working and making a life for myself years ago. Life is too short, and I'd for sure rather be divorced than keep him in a relationship he doesn't want to be in.  I have gotten a lot of advice from my sisters, three of them, who have all been divorced. One of them has divorced three times and is now remarried to her second husband. The one thing they can all agree on is that the next few months are going to be a rollercoaster of emotions. The one thing my soon to be ex-husband and I can agree on is that we are glad it is ending before either of us is bitter and hates the other. No one should ever stay in a ...