The bad days

Feeling vulnerable and angry

I wasn't prepared for having such a bad day. There are only 4 more days until I move to Utah and I have been on the downside of this roller coaster of emotions.

I am lucky enough to have family members that I can talk to and believe me without them there is no way I could make it through this.

I have been crying off and on all day. I told my 22-year-old that this is very hard for me because I feel vulnerable. I don't let anyone see my vulnerable side. I see it as weakness and if there is anything I am not, it's weak.

I won't get into it here, but I survived childhood abuse and came out the other side a sound person. Many people have been through abuse and some are much worse than I had to deal with. I think knowing that helped me a lot. Just knowing it could have been worse.

It is little things that are said through the day that build up and when I let a brick slip in the wall I have built around me; the tears come. Crying just makes me angry. The anger I feel from crying makes me feel resentful.

I listened to a podcast today. The woman is going through a divorce. She became depressed and didn't want to get out of bed. I don't have that problem. I don't feel depressed. I feel scared that I won't make enough money on my own to live. I certainly can't rely on him for spousal support. He can't seem to hold down a job long enough for a judge to award me anything.

The podcast lady made one good point. She said you have to find one positive thing every day. Even if that positivity is in his suffering, I will give that a shot. Today it might be the job he is trying very hard to get might be falling apart.

It might not be mature of me, but he is the one that wants a divorce. I feel like saying "Suck it up buttercup" but I didn't.

I told him it would be ok. There were many companies trying to get him to come to work. He'll figure it out and he'll be fine. And if not, well, it isn't my problem anymore, just like I'm not his problem.

It felt good to tell him I wasn't his problem anymore. I was taking back a little more of my independence. It feels good, even though it's scary, to be self-reliant.

That is how my day was. I will try to find something positive to focus on everyday. I hope you can too, no matter what you are going through.

Comments

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